Music Or Die

I need this letter from Glion to get through this winter. I want to be one hundred percent sure I can leave Estonia next summer and stay away for as long as I can. it seems much less of a joke now to say that “I wouldn’t survive not getting into this university”…

why the hell am I so afraid of letting people know what I really think?

I’m so fucking ashamed of talking about the one same thing over and over again for one year straight. FUCK THIS SHIT!

there are days when it feels better, though…

enough of this fucking emo-shit, time to be my old self again.

it’s been a while since I’ve liked a band as much as I like The Naked And Famous. they are awesome and make me feel like going out and being happy in front of some miserable people (copyright - the sleep talkin’ man). fuck, I adore their music. wish they were touring Europe, I’d so fly somewhere to see them!!!

anyway they look good, they sound good and they make me want to write posts about music again. and write music again. this means they are pretty awesome.

other than that, same old life, same old drama but I’m getting over it all. life’s actually good, even taking into consideration the fact that autumn’s here and it’s basically fucking snowing!!

I’m sore from dancing. yesterday was a good day. tonight’s gonna be a good night.
The Naked and Famous will be my life’s soundtrack this season.

well, whatever you plan on doing, do not involve me in it. I’m so fucking sick of you.

kind of embarrassing to admit, but gossip girl really is the most inspiring thing I’ve seen, read or heard in a long time.

guess it’s official

i’m superficial

truth be told (dazzled, doused in gin), i think i shouldnt ruin any lives. I don’t want anybody to feel the way I do. at least I’m happy when I’m drunk, right? seems like a good idea, sitting alone in the park and enjoying the sunshine. and champagne. tomorrow is a different story, though.

I do believe that a relationship, let it be an amorous one, needs to have a beginning and an end. the sad truth is, life’s a bitch and never works the way you want to (or if it does, you’ve got to pay karma debts for your happiness afterwards) and it doesn’t matter how much of a cold hearted bitch you are or pretend to be, it gets to you. nobody likes to be left for someone else and even if you think you’re so over this, you’re not. maybe I’m a very possessive person is all, but I do like to believe I’m not the only one with an evil side.

now the question is… how much am I willing to sacrifice my own happiness and peace of mind for the well-being of someone who let me down and lied to me for months straight but is still very dear to me?

I could ruin this person’s life, and someone else’s who is involved with this thing, too, in a few seconds if I wanted to, and I would feel happy because then I’m not the only one left with nothing. everyone else would be devastated, but I would feel like a champion because I ruined someone. this kind of power wears me out, destroys me and brings out the fucking worst of me, but I am STILL tempted to take advantage of it.

I want to hurt someone just to not be the only one hurt, because I hate being the only weak one. I tend to blame everyone else for getting me this weak but the truth is, I am the one to blame. and as I said… I have the chance to rise from this fucking pit and make others even weaker, but the only way to do it is by making some people VERY, very unhappy.

it’s all so very tempting, then yet again I need to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a jealous teenager. which I probably am. I should handle this like an adult.

I think I’m just gonna go for sabotage first…

<3 the new season.

Blair Waldorf: “Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish.”

pure genius.

Il faut être toujours ivre, tout est là; c’est l’unique question. Pour ne pas sentir l’horrible fardeau du temps qui brise vos épaules et vous penche vers la terre, il faut vous enivrer sans trêve.

Mais de quoi? De vin, de poésie, ou de vertu à votre guise, mais enivrez-vous!

Et si quelquefois, sur les marches d’un palais, sur l’herbe verte d’un fossé, vous vous réveillez, l’ivresse déjà diminuée ou disparue, demandez au vent, à la vague, à l’étoile, à l’oiseau, à l’horloge; à tout ce qui fuit, à tout ce qui gémit, à tout ce qui roule, à tout ce qui chante, à tout ce qui parle, demandez quelle heure il est. Et le vent, la vague, l’étoile, l’oiseau, l’horloge, vous répondront, il est l’heure de s’enivrer ; pour ne pas être les esclaves martyrisés du temps, enivrez-vous, enivrez-vous sans cesse de vin, de poésie, de vertu, à votre guise.

word up, man

every time I get close to being happy again (since leaving Switzerland), something comes and ruins it all. I hate leaving and especially I hate it when people leave. I left Estonia once myself and I know it only did me good but I still can’t stand saying goodbye to people who were (are?) a huge part of my life.

and now they’re gone.

I really feel as if I’m alone in Tallinn now, all of my friends have left or are going to leave. and it’s getting darker and darker outside and colder aswell. how come it’s now 10C at night? it was 25C like 10 days ago..

feeling autumn approach has always been bittersweet but never as bittersweet as this year. I hope I’ll find a ray of light. maybe I already have..

I’m kinda ashamed to quote that kind of a song but here it goes:

Et là tu t’dis que c’est fini car pire que ça ce serait la mort
quand tu crois enfin que tu t’en sors quand y en a plus et ben y en a encore